“There were no memorable lines in this film”
Directed By: Chris Weitz
Written By: Melissa Rosenberg (Screenplay), Stephanie Meyer (Novel)
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning
CHECK IT OUT: New Moon Video Review
The Twilight Saga. Oh Fuck off, the word saga implies a grand scale story with consequences that shape the world, this is insipid melodrama and I’m just gonna call it: New Moon.
Let me pose a rhetorical question before I jump into this review: Remember that scene in X-Men Origins: Wolverine when Wolverine was walking away from that helicopter in slow motion as it blew up behind him? Yes? Well do you remember that sinking feeling in your gut that told you that this movie had gone into the realm of ‘80’s camp and was beyond saving? Was that just me? I doubt it. Anyway, you might be asking yourself: now what does X-Men have to do with New Moon? Well Shut up, I’m getting to that.
Unlike X-Men, which started out as an intriguing, genuinely original and exciting franchise and then lost itself to ridiculousness and camp, the Twilight movies were never like that. They started as stupid, almost mind-numbingly campy romps through a teenage girl’s wet dream. But the worst part about it is, just like the Wolverine movie, the Twilight films have no idea that they’re terrible, poorly written, poorly acted, dollar bin camp crap. So why am I reviewing this film then you may ask? Well in my mind if I can stop just one person from going to see Eclipse in theatres this summer, then I’ve done my job and can be proud of myself.
Now I know I’ve mostly been talking about X-Men right now, so let’s get this shit ball rolling and talk about New Moon.
NUMBER 1: The Plot
This is a pretty broad topic I know, so let me clarify: Nothing happens in this movie! It is a completely unnecessary entry in an already dull series. And believe me, the book is no better, I’ve read them all and there is absolutely no reason this series couldn’t have just been a trilogy. I’m serious. Let’s think about what actually happens in the film: Bella goes to a birthday party Edward is throwing for her, while there she reveals the clumsy idiot she is and cuts herself, Edwards brother throws a shit fit and Edward decides to move away so Bella won’t be in danger from his idiot vampire family. Then she passes out. Then nothing happens. Still Nothing. Still nothing…Then she and Jacob become friends. We learn he is a werewolf. Then Bella and Edward get back together. THAT’S NOT A MOVIE!! THAT’S THIRTY MINUTES OF A MOVIE!!! Let me point out that New Moon is about two hours and twenty minutes long and NOTHING HAPPENS!!!! Fucking hell, the movie begins with Bella and Edward together and ends the same way! It all feels like a bunch of shit that they just forgot to put in the first movie, and expanded it to feature length. This film could have easily been integrated into the first and third stories without changing much at all, and I’m willing to bet that the series would be better for it. I need to stop talking about this I have a headache.
NUMBER 2: Fuck You Tim Burton
I recently watched Sweeney Todd again, and I actually happen to enjoy that movie for many various reasons. But something I noticed this time is that English actor Anthony Stuart Head has a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo. All I could think was that he would have been a PERFECT Sweeney Todd, and just watch the musical episode of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer if you don’t believe he could pull it off. So once again, fuck you Tim Burton, you had the perfect actor on your set and you let him slip away, and Johnny Depp was miscast.
NUMBER 3: Robert Pattinson and His Stupid Face
Sorry about that last part, I needed a minute to clear my head. Anyway, back to the task at hand: Robert Pattinson is awful in this film. Just awful. He’s the one that Bella ends up with after she kicks Jacob to the curb, but I never felt that he even wanted to be around Bella, much less marry her, he just looks so fucking miserable all the time, and we’ve just spent about two hours of this pointless movie seeing Bella and Jacob form a relationship that seems to make her much happier than the vampire who sports a permanent frown and terrible make-up. Yes I’m going to talk about this again. In a movie that is going to be a blockbuster, I think it’s only polite that the effects make-up looks like something other than flour plastered on a persons face while they were asleep. But no, the vampires in this film have caked on make-up that is inconsistent and actually makes the Joker look ready for a night on the town.
NUMBER 4: Bella
I’m just going to say it: Bella is the worst character in movies since Jar-Jar Binks. And no, I don’t think I’m being too harsh. There is no way to make this pathetic little whine-box appealing so I’m not going to comment on Kristen Stewart’s portrayal. There is no way to make this character likeable. Just to be perfectly fair, let’s go through a list of Bella’s pro’s and numerous cons. (NOTE: These are what I personally deem to be pro’s and con’s of the character, your opinion may differ, but I don’t give a shit.)
– She’s relatively attractive in that skinny goth girl way, or rather Kristen Stewart is.
– She owns a dirt bike.
– That’s fucking it.
Now for the Cons!!!
– She’s completely dependent on the men in her life
– She hates her so-called “friends”
– She’s constantly depressed
– She lies to her dad
– She cock-teases a sixteen-year-old boy
– She isn’t funny. EVER
– And possibly most importantly: She has no personality of her own. Everything she does in because of the men around her, she makes no decisions for herself and when her relationship with Edward ends she doesn’t even make a half-hearted attempt to find happiness in something else.
I know what you might think now: But isn’t the fact that she bought dirt-bikes for her and Jacob to fix mean she is trying to distract herself and not think about the break-up? NO! And fuck-off with that, she’s only using Jacob for his mechanical skills, so when she rides the bike she can get an adrenaline high and have a hallucinatory vision of Edward. Fucking Terrible. What the hell would anyone see in her? Especially some guy who’s been around for 108 years. He should really know better. And the only reason I can come up with as to why Jacob takes an interest in her is that she’s attractive and he’s sixteen, and he thinks about sex all the time. Call me crass; call me crude, it’s a fucking fact.
NUMBER 5: Jacob is an Idiot
We’ve already established that the character of Bella is awful and doesn’t work, thus the people around her don’t either, cause if the audience can’t find anything about Bella to like, then they won’t believe it when someone else in the film likes her. Now I’ve already pointed out that Jacob is a hormone machine right now, but the shit he does for Bella and the shit he puts up with is ridiculous. A sequence in the film involves Bella and Jacob going to the movies, they both exit the theatre and are talking and Jacob tries to hold Bella’s hand. I thought this was perfectly fair: he’s spent months alone with her, he’s helped her through a depressing time in her life and they’ve developed a meaningful relationship, but Bella doesn’t seem to think so. She rejects him. At this point I started screaming at the screen “You fucking bitch! You know what this poor kid wants and you’re just stringing him along! You cock-tease!” Then Jacob becomes sick and leaves and doesn’t contact Bella for weeks and I’m thinking, “Good, move on kid, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.” But then we find out that he was only avoiding her because he turned into a werewolf…You know what? Fuck this movie.
NUMBER 6: I Was Bored. This Movie Was Pointless
Those of you who saw my “Alice in Wonderland” review know that, to me, being boring is the worst thing a movie can do. And this one achieves a really high caliber of boredom. The film is constructed in such a way that it feels like you’re sitting through the intermission of a play, it’s honestly that boring. The film seems like it’s inviting you to stand up, walk away, take a piss, pop some popcorn, call your mother, check your e-mail and finish that term-paper you’ve been putting off. When that’s all finished the movie then stops doing, and I’m serious here, the depression montage! That’s where Kristen Stewart sits and stars blankly out a window while the seasons change and the camera rotates. This just goes on and on and on. She is literally watching the grass grow and we’re paying to see it. Fuck. This. Movie.
And Now Time for something positive: Anna Kendrick is in this film for about five minutes. She’s fantastic, not only because she’s a really good actress but also because her character is the only one in the film who responds to Bella like I did: With confusion, annoyance and eventually indifference. It was like the character was reading my mind.
PS. I know I’ve called Bella a cock-tease a lot in this review and I stand by that. But I am by no means saying that it is impossible to have a purely platonic relationship between a man and a woman, all I am saying is that a sixteen-year-old kid can’t help but think that this girl might have the hots for him. The realization that women can become true friends comes to guys about three to four years later when they can actually sort of control their stupid hormonal impulses and start to look past the physical and weigh personality in. It’s science.