Directed By: Michael Bay
Written By: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Starring: Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Peter Cullen (voice), Hugo Weaving (voice)
Wow I hated this movie. I really wanted to give it a big Zero out of Five, but it turns out I kind of liked one part of it, and that makes me feel like a dirty whore. More on that later. I first want to say that this movie, and how well it did at the box office, represents everything that is wrong with summer entertainment and the entire film industry. A lot of the time some of the best movies get overlooked by audiences and studios that are unwilling to take a risk. With the recession I can understand why, but we all still miss out on so much and it’s sad that a brilliant film like ‘500 Days of Summer’ or last year’s ‘The Wrestler’ get a slow limited release while a massive steaming pile of shit like ‘Transformers’ or its bastard cousin ‘G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra’ gets played in every theatre on Earth and makes over $800 million worldwide. Anyway, enough of my babbling, it’s time to unleash the bile of my critical drubbing…
Now I’m going to be the first to admit that I was fully aware going into this film that it wasn’t going to be art. It wasn’t going to make me think and the movie was made for the expressed purpose of being a summer popcorn flick. But the way my friends go on about it as if there is nothing inherently wrong with a two and a half hour movie about robots hitting each other, is too much to bear.
First off I’d like to talk a little bit more about the insane running time of this monstrous abomination against the human race. 2 and 1/2 hours is far too long to watch incoherently spliced together robot fights. The Transformers themselves are so poorly designed that it’s nearly impossible to tell what is a fist and what is a face, which brings me to my next point: As an audience member I’m supposed to believe that these alien robots, who are lightyears ahead of us when it comes to technology, yet when they throw down against one another, they use their fists… Really? Half the time you can’t tell what the hell is going on and the other half you simply just don’t care. This is because countless ‘new and improved’ robot characters are introduced that do not serve a purpose in this bloated film, they just run around acting like awful racial-stereotypes and making really bad jokes. Like really bad. Not even Dane Cook would steal these jokes.
Add to that the fact that the actual story of the movie is so convoluted and incomprehensible that at one point a human character actually tells one of the new robots to spell out the plot with a clear beginning, middle and end. It’s beyond insulting to the intelligence. In actuality, I was perfectly prepared for my intelligence to be insulted when I watched this movie. But to actually have a point in the script where the writers straight up tell the audience “HEY! Here’s the scene where we explain this shit, so listen up so we can get back to Aliens throwing trees at each other!” is too much.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a Transformers fan. I was really entertained by the first one. But the first one also had several signs of Steven Spielberg’s guiding hand. (he was the executive producer for both films).
I can just picture him on set with Director Michael Bay during the shooting of the first Transformers movie.
STEVEN: Now remember Mike, you don’t have to have everything in slow motion and your camera doesn’t have to move in 360 degree rotations during every scene.
MICHAEL: But everything looks cooler in SLOW MOTION! everybody knows that.
STEVEN: It’s true, up to a point. But you know after a while it gets kind of annoying and predictable.
STEVEN: And maybe you shouldn’t make dick jokes that involve huge robot balls.
MICHAEL: But they’re funny! (frowns and pouts)
STEVEN: Mike, I already let you put the damn Chihuahua in the movie didn’t I?
MICHAEL: Yeah, and isn’t he cute? (smiles like a fucking idiot)
STEVEN: ugh (runs hand through hair, obviously getting impatient)
MICHAEL: Um, one more thing.
MICHAEL: Can I shamelessly put a huge poster of Bad Boys II somewhere in the movie? And then zoom in on my name so everyone knows I made it?
STEVEN: What! Fuck no! that’s a terrible idea! Bad Boys II is a lecherous blob of a film that feeds off the souls and dreams of young children. Not to mention that everyone will know you’re an egotistical asshole who likes to rip off Stanley Kubrick, and that man is far more superior than you in every fucking way! Now get out of my sight and film another one of your Megan Fox boob shots.
MICHAEL: OK! (Runs off, anticipating the boob shot, but completely unaware he’s just been burned)
Now it is obvious to me that Spielberg couldn’t give two shits about Revenge of the Fallen, because everything he advised Michael Bay against during the first film, was done at least three times in the second. That’s right. We get not only one, but three close up shots of Will Smith and Martin Lawrence looking ‘totally gansta’ on the Bad Boys II poster that hangs in Shia LaBeouf’s dorm room.
It is at this time that I want to say something nice about the movie…
The fight in the forest is actually pretty good. When Optimus Prime dies for the first time. Oops SPOILER ALERT. Don’t worry, they bring him back and the good guys win. What the fuck else is new.
Let me end with this question which is directed to fans of the movie: If the all-spark created the transformers we know and love in the first place, why is it that whenever it creates a new transformer, they automatically become Decepticons and start attacking everything that moves? Are they evil? Or just bitter because they used to be appliances? My God I could keep going but my head hurts.
PS if you haven’t seen the movie and are still considering it, think about this: Shia LaBeouf’s character, Sam, dies and then goes, not to heaven, but to TRANSFORMER HEAVEN (where everything is loud and awesome) and is then sent back to Earth to fulfill his destiny (think Tom Cruise in ‘Far and Away’). If that doesn’t make you want to throw a full wine bottle at your TV screen then crank up the Linkin Park, pop that collar, grab the bros and see the movie. Because they don’t make them worse than this one…….
Except for Twilight. That movie Suuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.