Posted by: Greg | November 3, 2009

Review: Twilight (2008)

Hi everyone! I’m Greg. If you don’t know me here’s a little bit about myself: I love movies, but every so often a film comes along that makes my blood boil, and I feel compelled to write my thoughts. So for my first review I’d like to offer my “insight” on the movie Twilight, in honour of the newest instalment in the series being only a few weeks away:

New Moon

TWILIGHT

Directed By: Catherine Hardwicke

Writer: Melissa Rosenberg (Screenplay), Stephanie Meyer (Novel)

Starring: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart

Rating:

I want to begin by saying that I did not like this film, stop reading if you’re one of the many people out there who loved it and want nothing more than to curl up and snuggle in Edward’s deathly cold arms. This review may offend you.

I admit this movie is intriguing, I enjoy a good forbidden love story as much as the next person (‘The Princess Bride’ anyone?), but after about the first 30 minutes you’ll realize that this basic plot has been done before and much better. An example that immediately comes to mind is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Twilight is one of the only movies I’ve suffered through in theatres in which I thought walking out halfway through would be the best idea ever (another was Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, but more on that later).

The actors are as good as Keanu Reeves in ‘The Matrix Revolutions’… Which is the same as saying that a brick would be just as good. This was one of the most disappointing aspects of the flick beause I’ve seen the two leads in other movies and they are so much better than the artificial script they’re working from. Case in point: Kristen Stewart in ‘Adventureland.’ She’s wonderful in that one.

I can’t seem to think of a good performance from Robert Pattinson…I’ll just go with ‘The Goblet of Fire’

The script itself seems like it was churned out by a couple of the writers of One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl while they were smoking weed in their producer’s basement. I guess one can’t exactly expect a ‘Memento’ calibre script when the source material is what it is. And yes I’ve read every single book in the Twilight Saga, and I have come to the conclusion that Stephanie Meyer is good at writing material that gets you hooked, but that’s about it.

Now let’s review, for a moment, Kristen Stewart’s character, Bella. Arguably the worst female heroine ever written. She is a helpless little princess without her “Edward” and everything she says is so annoying like: “I don’t want to live without you.” All she does is spout romantic cliche after cliche until I realize that if I listen to her anymore I will run head first into the television screen and achieve the eternal peace I’ve always wished for.

Twilight is obviously a sort of preamble to a much bigger story that will be told in the future instalments, but does it really need to take so long for anything to happen? Think about it: In the movie, about 30 minutes goes by in which the two attractive leads eye fuck the shit out of each other. Then a bad vampire comes and breaks Bella’s leg. Boo-hoo, whaaa. Move on.

Just to emphasize how bad the writing and acting is in this movie, I have paraphrased the scene after the bad vampire meets his demise. I personally think it’s better than anything in the movie because at least it’s honest. And it goes something like this:

BELLA (crying, cause she’s a whiny bitch)

EDWARD (Staring intensely because the director doesn’t know how to tell him to do anything else, and knows all the naive little girls will simply be blown away by his sheer sexiness)

BELLA: Please don’t leave me (whimper)

EDWARD: I must, you aren’t safe around me

BELLA: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

EDWARD: Ok. I’ll stay

BELLA: And will you make me into a vampire too?

EDWARD: I can’t. It’s too painful

BELLA: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

EDWARD: Ok, but not until you graduate.

BELLA: Oh I love you Edward

EDWARD: I love you too

INTENSE EYE FUCKING

The effects spent on making the character of Edward look like a vampire must have cost somewhere between 10 and 40 dollars. Tops. The guy doesn’t even have FANGS for gods sake. He doesn’t hide his fangs like ‘True Blood’ vampires, they just aren’t there! Oh and when he steps out into the sun to reveal himself to Bella, it looks like an assistant from makeup ran up to actor Robert Pattinson (who plays Edward, if that wasn’t clear) and simply threw a handful of glitter at his face. He looks like he just fucked Tinker-Bell.

I tried to think of something I liked about this movie after I got the bad taste of it out of my mouth. And I came up with one thing: The smooth transition from the sparse mountains in Arizona to the rainy Mountains in Washington state. That’s it.

So save yourself some pain. When you’re in the movie store holding that copy of Twilight in your hand, thinking to yourself, “Hm, maybe I should watch this.” Just put it back onto the shelf, go over to the action section where real movies dwell and grab yourself a copy of The Dark Knight. Then calmly go over to the check out and ask to speak to the store manager, when he/she gets over to you, punch him/her right in the face and proclaim: TWILIGHT SUCKS. Then pay for your movie and leave.

P.S. Don’t actually do that, you could get in trouble. But you get my point. It’s not a good movie

– Greg

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Responses

  1. A delightful and funny read!

    Hooray! Welcome to The Spotless Minds! I was a bit distressed to see you’ve read the whole twilight series, but I guess nobody’s perfect. Hey, I like Julia Stiles!

    Seriously though. Hello and welcome.

    Oh, and for an interesting bit of FEMINIST HISTORY Twilight’s Director Katherine Hardwick is the highest grossing female director of all time! Whuuut? And she got fired from directing the sequel for wanting to stay close to the books. SIGH.

  2. I personally feel that they should stray as far away from the books as legally possible. Maybe we could get a good story out of it then. In a perfect world haha.

  3. Thank you Greg, you made my night!

    Also I feel immensely sorry that you have read the whole series. I got through book one, and only because it was on audio book and we didn’t have any other CD’s for the drive up to Edmonton…

    Thank you for putting this movie in it’s place.


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