WARNING THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS LOTS AND LOTS OF SPOILERS.

The era of the ‘Man’s Man’ is coming ever closer to ending. Soon it will be acceptable for all men to see a film and let it truly effect them emotionally. But that time isn’t upon us just yet. These are the top ten movies that not only make men cry, but it is deemed acceptable for them to do so.

“Have you ever seen a one trick pony in the field so happy and free?”

10. The Wrestler

That quote up there is actually from the song Bruce Springsteen wrote for this movie. Now I am willing to defend this choice to the death. This was a beautiful film and Darren Aronofsky’s choice to shoot it mostly handheld was genius. It’s so intimate and the audience gets to see every bad decision Mickey Rourke’s character ever made over his lifetime all displayed on his face. I’ve heard of some people who didn’t like the ending because it was left open. It’s called an ‘ambiguous ending’ and they are my favourite kind of ending. Because we all know that life doesn’t just end with a fade out. There will always be something left unsaid. Something for someone else to figure out. It’s a metaphor, read a fucking book, they’re full of them.

MOMENTS WHEN THE TEARS COME: When Randy the Ram (Rourke) has one wonderful day with his daughter (Evan Rachel Wood) on the abandoned boardwalk and he basically throws himself at her mercy saying that all he wants is for her not to hate him. Even though they both know that is almost impossible. Also when he is having a heart attack and jumps off the screen at the very end of the movie and the Boss’ award winning song closes the film brilliantly. Then tears.

“Someday we might look back on this and decide that saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole godawful, shitty mess.”

9. Saving Private Ryan

This movie is fantastic. A brilliant depiction of war as hell on Earth, it is presented so honestly and with only the slightest traces of sentimentality. But what I love most about this movie is that, beyond the American flag waving at the beginning and the end, there is no posturing and advertising for the AMERICAN MILITARY. A true classic by a true master, Steven Spielberg. Who, coincidentally, has two movies on this list.

MOMENTS WHEN THE TEARS COME: When Capt. Miller (Tom Hanks) is dying on the bridge at the very end and he says to Private Ryan (Matt Damon), “earn this.” Simple, almost inaudible, but it gets me every time.

“They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom“

8. Braveheart

Remember Mel Gibson? He was that awesome action hero from the Lethal Weapon and Mad Max movies? Well before he turned anti-semite he made this film and showed real promise of becoming a great director someday. This movie is a brutal and simple story that has it’s roots in the most basic elements of classic Hollywood epics: love, revenge, loyalty, betrayal and patriotism. It also boasts an amazingly tear-jerking score and great cinematography of the Scottish Highlands as well as some perfectly orchestrated medieval battle sequences. This is how I like to remember Mel.

MOMENTS WHEN THE TEARS COME: This movie is actually paced really well so that when there is a terrible scene of gut wrenching emotion the audience is almost immediately rescued from tears by visceral violence or some ridiculous humour. An example that immediately comes to mind is when William Wallace’s wife, Murron, is killed, the audience isn’t even given a minute to soak it in before Wallace trudges into town on his horse and starts wrecking everyone’s shit. But when Wallace is being tortured at the very end and yells out “FREEEEEEDOM!” for the whole country to hear, there’s no coming back. Tears.

“If you build it, he will come”

7. Field of Dreams

I’m a guy who enjoys a little cheesy nostalgia every once in a while and this film is full of it. From the highly unlikely premise to the very hokey ending that could almost be attributed to Deus Ex Machina, I love it all. The beautiful images of Iowa almost make me want to live in the heartland of America.

Kevin Costner has never been considered a ‘great actor’ but in this film he plays the part of Ray Kinsella pitch-perfectly, a down on his luck farmer on a mission to bring the spirit of baseball back to life. This film makes the most boring game in the universe seem interesting and full of whimsical romance and for that feat alone it should be praised.

MOMENT WHEN THE TEARS COME: Almost at the very end of the movie, Kevin Costner’s character notices a man on the White Sox team playing on his ballpark. The man is his father. After the game Costner approaches the man and he tells him he is his son. Then they have a catch together, something neither of them had done with each other while Costner was young. Nostalgia tears.

“E.T. phone home”

6. E.T. The Extra Terrestrial

This explanation will be brief. Everyone knows about the story of the little alien and his otherworldly connection with the boy named Elliot. I must confess that I only saw this movie once when I was seven or eight and I was balling from the first fifteen minutes to the closing credits. I couldn’t exactly say what set it all off, but I do remember it being a painfully emotional experience, one I never wanted to revisit. So I didn’t. But I probably will soon.

MOMENT WHEN THE TEARS COME: The whole freaking thing apparently.

“I find I’m so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.”

5. The Shawshank Redemption

Do I really even need to justify this one? If you don’t get choked up by the time the credits role then you need to seek out the help of a therapist and discuss your deep seeded emotional problems. Seriously.

MOMENTS WHEN THE TEARS COME: Lots of times. When Brooks hangs himself in his apartment; When Tommy gets shot by the Guard Captain; When Andy Dufresne escapes from Shawshank and feels the cold cleansing rain on his face as a free man for the first time in twenty years; When Red meets Andy on the beach in Mexico and they exchange a wordless embrace as the credits begin to roll. Tears.

“Go on, go on and be perfect”

4. Friday Night Lights

Wow this movie is great. The mostly true story of the Odessa, Texas Permian Panthers football team and their 1988 season. It is my personal favourite sports movie of all time for many reasons: First and foremost being its unique look, mainly shot on hand held HD cameras that gives each moment of sense of urgency and makes the audience feel like voyeurs looking in on this incredible part of American culture, also the digital gloss of each frame gives the football games themselves a extremely beautiful look and feel. Second is the absolutely illuminating score by one of my favourite bands: Explosions in the Sky. Each original composition is instrumental, yet the songs say more in the notes than most tracks with lyrics. Each song is strikingly beautiful. Thirdly is an all around wonderful ensemble cast, all of whom give convincing and sometimes heartbreaking performances.

MOMENT WHEN THE TEARS COME: When the final buzzer of the championship game sounds and the Panthers come one yard short of the winning touchdown. Then Fullback Don Billingsley’s father (Tim McGraw) confronts his son on the field and gives him his own championship ring. They hug. Just watch the movie. Trust me.

“Come with me if you want to live…”

3. Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Ok, I don’t think many people would expect this one but hear me out. Terminator 2 is one of those rare sequels that is not only better than its predecessor, but also makes the first one suck in comparison. I believe it shares the title of Best Action Film Ever with Die Hard. That’s how much I love this movie. From the mind-blowing special effects to the jaw-dropping action sequences this film has it all. But underneath all the spectacle and budget there is a very basic story of learning what it means to be human. This film also boasts a truly great performance from Arnold Schwarzenegger (that’s something I never thought I’d write, but it’s true, this is the part he was born to play).

MOMENT WHEN THE TEARS COME: I’ve talked a lot about this film’s merits as an action vehicle, but when The Terminator discovers what it is to be human, and that it is something that he can never be, he decides to sacrifice himself to save the human race (pictured above). When he gives John Connor the thumbs up as he is engulfed in lava…tears.

“It’s not your fault”

2. Good Will Hunting

A fascinating script, a remarkable cast and some really outstanding direction make this one of the better movies I’ve ever seen. Each interaction that goes on between Robin Williams and Matt Damon is an example of incredible acting. I can’t really say much more. I just love this movie.

MOMENT WHEN THE TEARS COME: When Sean (Williams) and Will (Damon) are finishing their last session of therapy together and Sean finally makes a breakthrough with Will as he calmly yet effectively tells him that all the abandonment and hardship he’s suffered isn’t his fault. It’s a simple yet beautiful scene. Tears.

“I have been and always shall be your friend.”

1. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn

“If what I think is happening is happening, it better not be.”

Kristofferson (Anderson) and Ash (Shwartzman) mid-heist.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Director: Wes Anderson

Writers: Roald Dahl (novel) Wes Anderson, Noah Baumbach (screenplay)

Cast: George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Jason Shwartzman, Eric Anderson, Bill Murray, Wallace Wolodarsky, Michael Gambon

Rating: 4.5/5

I’ve generally been pretty impressed with the advances in animation over the past decade and the digitally rendered worlds they are used to create have even offered up some truly inspired artists such as Brad Bird (Ratatouille, The Incredibles) and Pete Doctor (Up, Wall-E). However sometimes it becomes hard to ignore the sterility such technical perfection inadvertently causes. It’s the lack of the brush stroke, the human touch made invisible through technical achievement.

Wes Anderson’s adaptation of Roald Dahl’s Fantastic Mr. Fox is chalk-full of bright, celebratory brush strokes and they give this wonderful film a personal glow warmer than any of its current digital peers. The story is about (surprise!) Mr. Fox (George Clooney), an expert chicken thief, turned journalist and family man (or fox). 12 fox years after hanging up his balaclava Fox, tempted by the stores of the fat, short and lean Boggis, Bunce and Bean decides to come out of retirement, a fact he wants to hide from his cautious wife, Mrs. Fox (Meryl Streep). However the Fox family is soon displaced when they find out that the loathesome farmers are not so easily trifled with. Also Fox’s son Ash (Jason Shwartzman) is having trouble adjusting to the arrival of a new Fox, cousin Kristofferson (Eric Anderson) who seems to overshadow Ash in every way.

I won’t say much about the performances other than that they are terrific. George Clooney and Meryl Streep (duh) slip into their roles effortlessly, but it’s the smaller casting decisions that had me grinning like fool the whole movie. Wallace Wolodarsky’s plaintive tone is hilarious without even trying and Eric Anderson’s Kristofferson evoked for me a subtext I didn’t recognize was possible through voice acting. The usual Anderson gang is on display here too and they are no less wonderful. In voice recording for this film the actors actually went into similar locations to the characters in the film and the difference in sound when hearing something recorded (for example) underground creates a palpable and intimate experience.

Anderson’s work has often come under scrutiny for being overly “precious” in the details of his work. Here though, the loving attention to detail is welcomed by the vibrant DIY-style animation and softens the more ominous themes of the movie. On that note I wonder if children will respond to this film. The idea of a film about a Fox trying to reconcile his darker desires with his paternal duty seems to me like some pretty adult stuff and although there is a lot of fun to be had (“you cussin’ with me?”) I wonder if some of the themes may sail over the heads of the young audience. I’m not suggesting this is a bad thing. I think it’s a great idea for kids to be challenged and even educated through film as opposed to having pre-school ideas dogmatically reinforced in classic Disney fashion. In fact I think (I hope!) there will be some great discussions over the ideas of Fantastic Mr. Fox. Ideas not least of which are echoed in the amazing (and hilarious) wolf scene near the end of the film. What a great scene.

Wes Anderson, whether you buy his sweetly deadpan style or not, is a unique voice in contemporary cinema and, as Fox proves, an evolving one as well. What can I say, it’s…(sigh)…fantastic.

-James

Fun Fact: Wally Wolodarsky has played “Wally Wolodarsky” in three Wes Anderson films!

Also: If you get a chance, read the book. It’s amazing.

Rating: 0.5/5

Directed By: Michael Bay

Written By: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman

Starring: Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Peter Cullen (voice), Hugo Weaving (voice)

Wow I hated this movie. I really wanted to give it a big Zero out of Five, but it turns out I kind of liked one part of it, and that makes me feel like a dirty whore. More on that later. I first want to say that this movie, and how well it did at the box office, represents everything that is wrong with summer entertainment and the entire film industry. A lot of the time some of the best movies get overlooked by audiences and studios that are unwilling to take a risk. With the recession I can understand why, but we all still miss out on so much and it’s sad that a brilliant film like ‘500 Days of Summer’ or last year’s ‘The Wrestler’ get a slow limited release while a massive steaming pile of shit like ‘Transformers’ or its bastard cousin ‘G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra’ gets played in every theatre on Earth and makes over $800 million worldwide. Anyway, enough of my babbling, it’s time to unleash the bile of my critical drubbing…

Now I’m going to be the first to admit that I was fully aware going into this film that it wasn’t going to be art. It wasn’t going to make me think and the movie was made for the expressed purpose of being a summer popcorn flick. But the way my friends go on about it as if there is nothing inherently wrong with a two and a half hour movie about robots hitting each other, is too much to bear.

First off I’d like to talk a little bit more about the insane running time of this monstrous abomination against the human race. 2 and 1/2 hours is far too long to watch incoherently spliced together robot fights. The Transformers themselves are so poorly designed that it’s nearly impossible to tell what is a fist and what is a face, which brings me to my next point: As an audience member I’m supposed to believe that these alien robots, who are lightyears ahead of us when it comes to technology, yet when they throw down against one another, they use their fists… Really? Half the time you can’t tell what the hell is going on and the other half you simply just don’t care. This is because countless ‘new and improved’ robot characters are introduced that do not serve a purpose in this bloated film, they just run around acting like awful racial-stereotypes and making really bad jokes. Like really bad. Not even Dane Cook would steal these jokes.

Add to that the fact that the actual story of the movie is so convoluted and incomprehensible that at one point a human character actually tells one of the new robots to spell out the plot with a clear beginning, middle and end. It’s beyond insulting to the intelligence. In actuality, I was perfectly prepared for my intelligence to be insulted when I watched this movie. But to actually have a point in the script where the writers straight up tell the audience “HEY! Here’s the scene where we explain this shit, so listen up so we can get back to Aliens throwing trees at each other!” is too much.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a Transformers fan. I was really entertained by the first one. But the first one also had several signs of Steven Spielberg’s guiding hand. (he was the executive producer for both films).

I can just picture him on set with Director Michael Bay during the shooting of the first Transformers movie.

STEVEN: Now remember Mike, you don’t have to have everything in slow motion and your camera doesn’t have to move in 360 degree rotations during every scene.

MICHAEL: But everything looks cooler in SLOW MOTION! everybody knows that.

STEVEN: It’s true, up to a point. But you know after a while it gets kind of annoying and predictable.

MICHAEL: Oh…

STEVEN: And maybe you shouldn’t make dick jokes that involve huge robot balls.

MICHAEL: But they’re funny! (frowns and pouts)

STEVEN: Mike, I already let you put the damn Chihuahua in the movie didn’t I?

MICHAEL: Yeah, and isn’t he cute? (smiles like a fucking idiot)

STEVEN: ugh (runs hand through hair, obviously getting impatient)

MICHAEL: Um, one more thing.

STEVEN: What?

MICHAEL: Can I shamelessly put a huge poster of Bad Boys II somewhere in the movie? And then zoom in on my name so everyone knows I made it?

STEVEN: What! Fuck no! that’s a terrible idea! Bad Boys II is a lecherous blob of a film that feeds off the souls and dreams of young children. Not to mention that everyone will know you’re an egotistical asshole who likes to rip off Stanley Kubrick, and that man is far more superior than you in every fucking way! Now get out of my sight and film another one of your Megan Fox boob shots.

MICHAEL: OK! (Runs off, anticipating the boob shot, but completely unaware he’s just been burned)

Now it is obvious to me that Spielberg couldn’t give two shits about Revenge of the Fallen, because everything he advised Michael Bay against during the first film, was done at least three times in the second. That’s right. We get not only one, but three close up shots of Will Smith and Martin Lawrence looking ‘totally gansta’ on the Bad Boys II poster that hangs in Shia LaBeouf’s dorm room.

It is at this time that I want to say something nice about the movie…
The fight in the forest is actually pretty good. When Optimus Prime dies for the first time. Oops SPOILER ALERT. Don’t worry, they bring him back and the good guys win. What the fuck else is new.

Let me end with this question which is directed to fans of the movie: If the all-spark created the transformers we know and love in the first place, why is it that whenever it creates a new transformer, they automatically become Decepticons and start attacking everything that moves? Are they evil? Or just bitter because they used to be appliances? My God I could keep going but my head hurts.

PS if you haven’t seen the movie and are still considering it, think about this: Shia LaBeouf’s character, Sam, dies and then goes, not to heaven, but to TRANSFORMER HEAVEN (where everything is loud and awesome) and is then sent back to Earth to fulfill his destiny (think Tom Cruise in ‘Far and Away’). If that doesn’t make you want to throw a full wine bottle at your TV screen then crank up the Linkin Park, pop that collar, grab the bros and see the movie. Because they don’t make them worse than this one…….
Except for Twilight. That movie Suuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.

- Greg

Why should we care about credits? Aren’t they just a boring formality so producers can pat themselves on the back?

This is certainly how they began. Movies used to simply use a few title cards so everyone got credited quickly and we could all move on. Then something happened. Someone out there realized that during a credit sequence they could convey certain things to the audience that the narrative couldn’t strictly do. Quentin Tarantino, himself a proponent of great title sequences said that the opening credits sequence “is usually the only mood time that movies give themselves.” Credit sequences are now normally expected to set up the whole tone of the film you are about to watch. But as I hope you’ll see here they can do even more than that. My rule was simple. Every one had to be a credit sequence, not simply an opening sequence. That’s it. Here we go!

10. Shaun Of The Dead (2004)

Sorry for the video. Start at 3:08. I certainly wouldn’t call Edgar Wright’s Shaun Of The Dead a “message” movie. It’s a sweet romantic comedy…with zombies. However the opening sequence seems (still humourously) to meditate on a few larger ideas than we are presented within the story. What differentiates us from a zombie anyway? If it is just an organism with basic motor functions trying to satisfy a few biological urges (eat, sleep, listen to iPod) “zombie” can be seen as a pretty broad term. A brilliant little piece of social satire tucked into one the best comedies in recent memory.

9. Ed Wood (1994)

Much of the soul of Tim Burton’s biopic about the so called ‘Worst Director Of All Time’ Ed Wood is that Burton is not in the least cynical about his subject material. Edward D. Wood Jr. may have been a horrible writer and director, but Burton seems to see Wood as an true underdog willing to fight for his art. Terrible as they are by normal standards Wood saw value in his films and it’s that heart which Burton captures gut-wrenchingly well in Ed Wood. The opening title sequence then is a love letter to the late auteur using the language he was famous for. Tim Burton’s films are full of beautiful crafted effects but here he employs the tacky gimmicks of early low-budget sci-fi and horror films including cardboard gravestones and flying saucers on which you can clearly see the strings. Funny enough it’s these “strings” that you will eventually fall in love with by the end of this masterful work.

8. American Psycho (2000)

Elegant typeface against pristine white (later echoed in the infamous business card scene) is interrupted by sinister red droplets we can only assume to be blood. The fact that it is revealed only to be raspberry sauce strangely only serves to enhance the disturbing veneer director Mary Harron exposes in American Psycho. This balletic sequence is genius in the way it effortlessly intertwines the brutality and facile decadence of the world inhabited by the thing called “Patrick Batman Bateman”. This credit sequence is beautiful in the way it can directly and wordlessly address the themes of the movie, a trait of a good opening sequence, as the characters will rarely be given the perspective ever to make such affecting observations. An obvious inspiration for the also-great Dexter opening credits.

7. Vertigo (1958)

I couldn’t in good conscience leave Saul Bass off this list, a designer known for some of the most iconic title sequences ever made. Vertigo struck me as the most interesting of his sequences not so much for its great stylistic tendencies, but its undeniable hypnotic effect and how I believe it speaks to the very personal nature of Hitchcock’s unforgettable thriller. People have written at length about feminism in Hitchcock’s films and Vertigo is no different, centering around the obsessive search for female identity. The opening titles, aided in no small part by Bernard Herrmann’s precarious score illustrate this almost fetishistic objectification of the female form as the titles appear and disappear around the woman’s face until we look into her eye and see Vertigo and the swirling hypnotic forms that follow.

6. Catch Me If You Can (2002)

Credit here goes very much to the fluid animation of Kuntzel and Deygas who, along with John Williams’ light idiosyncratic score convey so much of the fun mystery of Spielberg’s 1960s-style adventure. And stylistically this piece is a marvel, combining the pink panther-like chase of old detective movies with the beautiful aesthetic tropes of 1960s decor and advertising. If I was Don Draper I would approve. And then I would sexually harass something.

5. The Big Lebowski/Fargo (1998/1996)

I’m a horrible cheat. I couldn’t choose between these two amazing Coen Brothers sequences. The Big Lebowski’s I love for it’s outright aesthetic beauty and how it’s use of slow motion turns the act of bowling into what it is, a very bizarre and tacky spectacle. It makes you think: who the hell are these characters we are about to meet? Well…sometimes…there’s a man…

As for Fargo the opening text at the very beginning serves a wholly different purpose than the others on the list. It outright lies to the audience. I was watching this with a friend and I told her “You know the ‘THIS IS A TRUE STORY”‘ thing they have at the beginning of this movie? It’s not true. It never happened.” To which she replied “But they’re not allowed to do that!” Well…I guess they did it anyway. From this clever little joke we are immediately thrown into a world of dark blue, a miasma we cannot even make sense of until we finally see the harsh landscape illuminated by headlights and the swell of Carter Burwell’s haunting score. This movie is an American masterpiece and you can tell from the first minute.

4. Ghost World (2001)

This is immediately the sequence I think of any time I try to think of a great opening sequence. As we slowly pan along and look through the windows of this apartment building we are literally dropped into the sad existences that populated Daniel Clowes’ poignant graphic novel the film is based on. These images are juxtaposed with the exuberant “Jaan Pehechaan Ho” and moments from a Bollywood film called Gumnaam. The music and images of course belong to our heroine, Enid, who we find living amidst this fun house mirror of sad American archetypes. Enid’s status as an outsider in this place and her love for smaller idiosyncratic joys are set up beautifully in this short collection of shots and already we can feel like we know her. I love this film.

3. Dr. Strangelove Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb (1964)

These credits actually employ a fairly normal and recognizable technique of introducing the cast and crew. It’s only after having watched the film through once that the darkness and silliness of this sequence becomes evident. In fact, knowing nothing about the film’s content I’m sure the credits seem downright heavenly. The planes are basically holding hands! What a nice thought! Never mind these planes could instigate nuclear holocaust, it’s just nice. This nice-ness sets up the light comic tone used through the whole movie to show some of the darkest aspects of humanity and how evil can thrive through bureaucracy. Beautifully shot and effortlessly employed, Kubrick again shows his genius. So stop worrying and love this sequence.

2. Run Lola Run (1998)

Easily the weirdest opening credit sequence here. For the only time in this film we are put face to face with the antagonist: time. Time here personified by the most evil looking clock you will ever see. Stylistic, expressive, funny, frenetic, this sequence has everything and is one of the most overtly philosophical I have ever seen. The brilliance of this movie to me is not simply it’s deranged hyper-MTV style, but how it meshes so easily with the philosophy and emotions offered to us throughout.

“The ball is round. The game lasts ninety minutes. That’s a fact. Everything else is pure theory. Here we go!”

1. Mean Streets (1973)

After Who’s That Knocking At My Door and Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore Martin Scorsese seemed to formally announce his budding genius to the world with the rapturous Mean Streets. There is a lot of experimentation in this film, not least of which is in the unforgettable opening sequence. After the first scene where we gain a glimpse into Charlie (Harvey Keitel)’s psyche we see a movie projector light up to show Charlie’s home movies. These can be read either as films taken by friends and family which we are now privy to or maybe they are in fact Charlie’s idyllic fantasy of the image he wishes his life resembled. As we soon find out Charlie’s daily routine is hardly the noble and charmed life we seem to be witnessing in theses home movies. Scorsese too seems aware of this fantasy as he positions the fictional images at half their size. Another revolutionary technique famously employed by Scorsese is on display here too. In 1973 films were scored by professional composers. Scorsese chose to make his films more personal and more gritty by sampling rock and pop tracks from his own record collection. His film relationship with the Rolling Stones alone is legendary. But for me the most expressive song in the film is the Ronette’s Be My Baby we hear over the opening titles, making a relationship between music and image that are very different from each other and yet forever linked in my mind when the chorus bursts in and the hard red “Mean Streets” introduces us to the world of Charlie, Johnny Boy and (of course) Marty.

-James

Honourable mentions: Fight Club, Do The Right Thing, The Good The Bad And The Ugly, Jaws, Kill Bill Vol. 1 and L.A. Confidential

I would love to hear some of your favourites!

For the next few weeks, I’m going to focus my writings on things related to animation. So to kick it off I’ve decided to share my personal favorite episodes of The Simpsons. You know, that TV show that was one of the greatest cartoons ever made which soon devolved into one of the worst. The one that is still airing new episodes, even though its pretty unanimous that it sucks now. Well, most of us also know that during the so called ‘Golden Years’ (seasons 3-8 or so, although there’s some debate about the exact time the series went downhill) The Simpsons was churning out great television and some of the best jokes ever. So here they are, my ten favorite Simpsons episodes of all time. Take note: this was a difficult list to compile.

10. The PTA Disbands

Season 6, Episode 21

This is one of those classic episodes that most people recognize, but rarely think of when trying to remember good episodes. After a failed school field trip, the teacher’s have enough and go on strike at Springfield Elementary. This in turn causes people from the neighborhood to take up the teacher’s positions. There’s a lot of good stuff in this episode, and Principal Skinner-focused episodes rarely disappoint. It’s also a less ‘zany’ episode than some of the ones on this list, and probably one of the most down to earth and approaches the subject matter with a keen intellect.

Highlights:

• Principal Valiant
• “Hey they’re trying to learn for free!” “Use your phony guns as clubs!”
• “In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!”
• The man who jumps out the window, then back in when Ned assures him the PTA has not disbanded.
• Bart ‘tricking’ Skinner to go to his office (“Go to my office? Highly irregular, but alright.”)

9. Burns Verkaufen Der Kraftwerk

Season 3, Episode 11

This is perhaps the episode I remember most clearly as being possibly the very first episode I ever saw. When some German businessmen want to buy the plant off of Mr. Burns, he reluctantly accepts (after exclaiming ‘woo hoo’ many times). Things change at the plant, especially for Homer, as he is the sole person let go from his job. I think I have always loved Burns-centric episodes because he really is one of the greatest characters on the show, and this was one of the first ones where he is shown as something other than the malevolent plant owner. Not by much though. The German’s are some of the best one-episode characters ever, especially Horst, as he is the most non-threatening.

Highlights:

• Homer’s reason why they can’t fire him: “Because…” which soon turns into a very sad looking Homer.
• The completely unnecessary announcement of all the employees laid off: “Simpson, Homer. That is all.”
• The Land of Chocolate. And the transition afterward. “Oh, I’m sorry. We were talking about chocolate?” “Zat was ten minutes ago!”
• “Do we have any alcoholics among us?” “Um, me?” “Right here.” “I’m drunk right now.”
• And of course, the Germans trying to intimidate Mr. Burns, and his sarcastic rant “Oh no, the Germans are coming to get me!”

8. Two Bad Neighbors

Season 7, Episode 13

The Simpsons make a political episode, and barely talk about politics. Instead, they make George Bush Sr. a crotchety old man who happens to be an ex-president. It’s a genius way to openly mock Bush without talking about his politics at all. The episode itself actually stemmed off of a feud between the Simpsons writers and the Bush administration. I won’t go into it because it’s easy to read about almost anywhere else. But this episode quickly became one of my favorites, almost entirely because of the way they painted Bush as a character. It’s pretty fantastic.

Highlights:

• Pretty much any interaction Bart has with Bush, specifically when talking about his presidential pajamas.
• “Boys? Where are you going?”
• Of course, Gerald Ford being just like Homer is pretty great.

7. Lemon of Troy

Season 6, Episode 24

This episode is awesome because instead of creating conflict within the characters we all know and love, the whole of Springfield bonds together against a common enemy: Shelbyville. While Shelbyville is referenced often throughout the series as being the quintessential anti-Springfield, it isn’t until this episode that we really get to see the city and the inhabitants shine. There are doppelgangers of many of the main characters and the interactions they have with the ‘originals’ are gold. Especially Milhouse.

Highlights:

• Frink and the flying motorcycle (“You had your chance. Woah! Glavin!”)
• Milhouse’s ‘other’ and saying ‘Radical.’
• Celebrating victory by eating a lemon (see above picture).
• The old man saying the Lemon Tree was haunted, and celebrating with Turnip Juice.

6. Homer at the Bat

Season 3, Episode 17

I think this was likely one of the first episodes to have a veritable smorgasbord of guest stars in the story, but it actually suited the story. Not only that, but the fact that the guest stars were all baseball players and not actors is almost a benefit to the humor in the episode, as you have these professional athletes delivering hilarious lines almost deadpan because they don’t know how to act. I mean, some are better than others, but there’s no one terrible enough to ruin the jokes and sometimes they are even more funny that way. It’s such a ridiculous premise, but it pays off wonderfully and I love it. I’d almost say this episode (or near it) is when the Golden Age (un)officially begun.

Highlights:

• Recruiting the various ball players
• The subsequent losing of all the players in nine misfortunes.
• Daryl Strawberry and everything he does. And of course, the single tear after being taunted by Bart and Lisa.
• Bart and Milhouse picking teams, with the pros walking by at the right moment for Milhouse to pick them (“You got yourself a player.”)
• Being hypnotized and still understanding that ‘110%’ doesn’t actually make sense.

5. Homer’s Enemy

Season 8, Episode 23

This is perhaps the most clever episode of Simpsons there is. It’s clearly a response to Homer as the person most American’s want to be, and the introduction of Frank Grimes as the ‘realistic’ American makes an incredibly astute contrast to the way things really are. This quote by Frank Grimes spells it really clearly:

“God, I’ve had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance? Everything! A dream house! Two cars! A beautiful wife! A son who owns a factory! Fancy clothes and [sniffs air] lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? No!”

And in the end, what does meeting Homer do to Grimes? It actually is one of the darker endings of a (non-Halloween) Simpsons episode: It takes his life. Does Homer care though? Nope. He continues to coast through life, and everyone else just laughs it off. “That’s our Homer!” Of course, the episode is also really funny, so I love watching it. But it’s interesting to think about.

Highlights:

• Burns making the dog his executive vice president.
• “I’d say he eats more like a duck. Pigs tend to chew.”
• Frank living on top of a bowling alley that is below another bowling alley.
• “Ralphie get off the stage sweetheart.”
• Frank Grimes. He’s one of the greatest characters ever, and only appeared in one episode.

4. Marge Vs. The Monorail

Season 4, Episode 12

This is unarguably a classic, and very few people will NOT cite this episode in a top ten list if they were to make one. Written by Conan O’Brien, and featuring another great Phil Hartman character (Lyle Lanley), this episode is brilliant from start to finish. Matt Groening himself said this episode has his favorite quote of all time (“I call the big one bitey.”) and the guest spot by Leonard Nimoy is just the icing on the cake. It’s perhaps one of the more ‘zany’ plots the Simpsons have had, but also one of the greatest. Easily made the list.

Highlights:

• The Monorail song
• “A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet, goes on.” “Does anyone want to switch seats?”
• “Batman’s a scientist.” “It’s not Batman!”
• “Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”
• Putting Ogdenville, Brockway and North Haverbrook on the map. Literally.
• Nimoy celebrating his job well done, and when being told he didn’t do anything he chuckles and says “Didn’t I?” Then he disappears a la Star Trek.

3. Cape Feare

Season 5, Episode 2

Remember when Sideshow Bob was not only an interesting character, but an amazing one? Who had dimensions to him and great characterizations? Well here is his best episode. There’s so much going on in this episode and I’d say it’s got the greatest ratio of laugh out loud jokes vs minutes of the show. Not only that but it’s a pretty spot on parody of the film Cape Fear. It really saddens me that they’ve turned Bob into a terrible character because he really was the best recurring character on the show, and Kelsey Grammar is always perfect in the role. Unfortunately they brought him back too much that it just because gimmicky and stupid.

Highlights:

• Homer being scared someone is trying to kill him, until he realizes the letter is for Bart.
• Ahahahahaha, Wipeout!
• “Use a pen, sideshow Bob.”
• Hello, Mr. Thompson.
• Meeting Bob in the movie theatre, and “I’ll stay away alright. Stay away….FOREVER.” And Homer’s “Oh no!”
• “Surely there’s no harm in laying in the middle of a public street!” Cue parade. “Not the elephants!”
• The Rake sequence. Before Family Guy ruined those kind of jokes by overdoing it.
• Homer scaring Bart twice in bed with brownies and a chainsaw.
• Bart running to see a crocodile, then eels, then back to the croc. “Oh yeah.”
• The complete score of the HMS Pinafore. “By Lucifer’s Beard!!!”

2. A Milhouse Divided

Season 8, Episode 6

I think Kirk Van Houten is one of my favorite characters on the show. His voice, his mannerisms, and his utter lameness are all just brilliant. So of course this, one of the most Kirk heavy episodes, is one of my favorite episodes ever. Of course it does what the Simpsons do so well – take a real and sincere topic like divorce, and make it hilarious and heart warming. It’s also commendable that in the end, Luann does not take Kirk back to return things to the status quo. Milhouse’s reaction to the divorce is not touched upon as much as Homer’s reaction, which ends with a very touching moment in the series, as Homer and Marge rekindle their marriage. It was actually very very close to being my number one pick, but I just couldn’t do it.

Highlights:

• The dinner party and the pictionary esque game. “It’s Dignity!” “That’s a door?” “Shut up and let the woman speak!”
• Allied Biscuit
• “I sleep in a racing car do you?” “I sleep in a big bed with my wife.”
• Getting fired from the Cracker Factory “I don’t recall saying good luck.”
• Hot dogs thawing in the sink.
• Homer’s pained sounds after Bart hits him with a chair.
• “Can I borrow a Feeling?” and Homer’s reaction to the tape.
• Homer’s gentle sounds of the ocean to help Marge sleep, complete with foghorn, seagulls and a pirate.
• And of course, Kirk’s rendition of his single and Luann’s reaction to it. “Ew, no.”

1. You Only Move Twice

Season 8, Episode 2

This was a no brainer for me. I absolutely adore this episode and everything about it. Hank Scorpio is quite possibly my favorite Simpsons character. Not guest star, character. And just from one episode. He’s exactly the kind of person you’d need to be to successfully run an evil empire. I’ve always wondered why the bad guys in Bond films and others have so many flunkies, because they’re clearly evil. Well this episode explains all that. An affable, personable and friendly man bent on world domination, but treats his employees with the utmost respect. It’s brilliant and hilarious and easily the best episode of the series.

Highlights:

• Smithers rejecting the job offer “Can’t a man walk down the street without being offered a job?”
• The promotional video for Cypress Creek, and the homeless man turning into a mailbox.
• “Ever seen a guy say goodbye to a shoe?” “Yes, once.”
• “Don’t call me Mr. Scorpion. It’s Mr. Scorpio, but don’t call me that either.”
• “I didn’t even give you my coat!” Cut to Scorpio wearing his coat – backwards.
• Bart’s remedial class. “I start fires!”
• Lisa meeting a chipmunk, and an owl, happily skipping away while the owl eats the chipmunk.
• The hammock discussion, and the fact that there’s a ‘hammock complex’ and a ‘hammock district.’ On third.
• Scorpio giving Homer some sugar (directly from his pockets), then asking if he wants any cream. “Um…no.”
• The bridge collapsing, and the guy wanting to take a chance.
• Homer stopping Mr. Bont, and then they just shoot him at point blank instead of putting him in another elaborate death machine.
• The whole ending sequence where Homer quits, with pandemonium around him. So ingenious.

- Alan

Awards season is coming up, you know the time when the studio’s start releasing their “Oscar bait.” I love the Academy Awards. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I find some sort of validation in knowing that there is a massive group of people out there that loves the movies even more than those of us who write for The Spotless Minds. And that makes me feel accepted. But whenever that Best Picture award comes around I know that there is an 80% chance that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will royally fuck it up. These are the ten biggest mistakes the Academy ever made and the movies that should have won.

Number 10: Dances with Wolves (1990)

Are you fucking kidding me???? ‘Good Fellas’ came out this same year and was nominated for Best Picture as well! How high would you have to be to think for a second that Martin Scorsese’s gangster masterpiece is inferior to watching Kevin Costner, of all people, stare at grass for over 2 1/2 hours?? ‘Dances with Wolves’ is a beautiful film to look at, but so is ‘Good Fellas,’ and in the end Scorsese’s film is the one that encompasses the truest spirit and magic of the film medium. When Ray Liotta breaks the fourth wall and addresses the audience to tell us why he loved being a gangster, it’s one of those moments that makes me love film.

Number 9: Forrest Gump (1994)

I am the first to admit that I am incredibly biased against this movie because it beat the film that I used to call my favourite: ‘Pulp Fiction’ (which still holds a number 6 position on my Top Ten). ‘Forrest Gump’ is an ok movie that was surrounded in a sea of better ones. It deserved some of the recognition it got (eg. Tom Hanks for his incredibly charming performance) but it is not and never will be better than The Fiction, and here’s why: after one of the worst decades in popular culture (the 80’s), action/adventure movies began to be bland, predictable and driven by a deathly precise formula…you know, like they are again now. But then when all hope seemed to be lost Quentin Tarantino put all those bland formula’s together and made something completely fresh and new. Say what you will about QT, but ‘Pulp Fiction’ is a masterpiece. And then there’s Forrest, sitting on his bench, telling a perfectly linear story about his unlikely life. So the Academy once again goes for the safe choice. Oh well, stupid is as stupid does…I guess.

Oh almost forgot. ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ was also nominated for Best Picture, just to put into perspective how fucking stupid the Academy can be.

Number 8:  Chariots of Fire (1981)

Has anyone ever actually watched a marathon? Well guess what? I have. They’re bloody boring. So boring that clawing your eyes out and asking an old person why they hate black people seems like a better way to pass the time. And yet, here we are in 1981 and a movie about a really long jog and a catchy score wins Hollywood’s top prize. Guess what else was nominated this year…give up? ‘RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK’ the quintessential  adventure movie. But no, Professor Jones and his fedora weren’t sophisticated enough for Mr. Oscar.

Number 7: Ordinary People (1980)

I always wonder why the Academy is so cruel to Martin Scorsese. This movie won over ‘Raging Bull’ which is easily one of the best movies of the whole decade, while Robert Redford’s harsh drama is barely a footnote. This choice is a really obvious one as it appears on a lot lists like this one by other film critics. I don’t actually know of anyone who thought this was a better film than ‘Raging Bull.’ Maybe I just don’t want to.

Number 6: A Beautiful Mind (2001)

Ron Howard has made only one good movie and it is not this one (It’s ‘Apollo 13′ if you were wondering). This film is emotionally manipulative with it’s audience. It doesn’t give the viewer any space to make their own judgements on the characters especially the story’s protagonist who is presented as a tormented Saint-like man who can do no wrong and is a victim of his own genius. God dammit! Give the man some dimensions! Let him grapple with the darkest sides of his twisted mind instead of the one that tells him to do invisible math equations. Also I did not believe, for one second, the relationship between Crowe and Jennifer Connelly. What really hurts is how well this movie starts, but then turns into non-engaging, Oscar baiting BLARG! And what’s worse is that the general public still loves it! AGH!

Oh right! Uhhhh, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring definitely should have won this year, it’s the best of the Trilogy easily.

Number 5: Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

Ok, this is actually a good movie, and deserved this award, and probably shouldn’t be so high on this list, but it did beat ‘Apocalypse Now.’ That I cannot forgive.

Number 4: My Fair Lady (1964)

I’m willing to take a lot of flack for this. I know how crazy some people are for dear old Audrey. And this movie was made when musicals on film were still relevant (heads up, they’ve been making a huge comeback since ‘Chicago’ but I’m not sure we’re there yet). This movie may be wonderful but it doesn’t say anything important and it also has become a little bit dated. But the movie that should have won is still quite relevant, humorous and highly entertaining. ‘Dr. Strangelove’ is one of my favourite films of all time and was nominated this year for four academy awards (Picture, Director, Adapted Screenplay and Actor – Peter Sellers) and took home a big goose egg. Its darkly comic take on nuclear annihilation is ingenious and hilarious. Peter Sellers is always brilliant and with fantastic turns from George C. Scott and Slim Pikins makes this one of the best of the decade if not ever.

Number 3: Titanic (1997)

The poster for this movie lists the better movies that James Cameron made. ‘Terminator 2′! ‘Aliens’! Even ‘True Lies.’ The reason that these movies are better is because they are uncompromising and unique. ‘Titanic’ on the other hand is a brilliantly made film, but it is a story we’ve all heard many times before. In fact this movie is almost a remake of the 1953 film of the same name. The film is extremely basic when one looks past the striking visuals: poor boy meets rich girl. They fall in love. Forces conspire to come between them. Then the ship sinks and the girl refuses to share the enormous floating door and dooms the boy to a watery grave. Ok so that last part isn’t very common, but my point is that as far as story goes, this one doesn’t take any risks, and I think the Academy should award risks when they are effective. Like LA Confidential, which should have won.

Number 2: Shakespeare in Love (1998)

I really, really, really wanted to make this my number one pick, but I couldn’t let my hatred of romantic comedies completely blind my judgement. However, the number 2 position is almost just as good. In a year when four other movies SHOULD HAVE WON, the academy picked a ROMANTIC COMEDY!!!! And not even a good one, this is a fucking mediocre romantic comedy starring two mediocre leads. You know what Joseph Fiennes is doing now? TV and soft-core porn. Yeah. And what the hell is Ben Affleck doing in this movie? The man can barely do a Boston accent and he grew up there, never mind a proper English dialect! For those of you reading this who think I’m full of shit, let me list the films that were also up for the Big Prize this year: ‘Life is Beautiful’ ‘The Thin Red Line’ ‘SAVING PRIVATE RYAN’ and ‘Elizabeth.’ Any one of these would have been better than this poor excuse for a period piece. God it just makes me so mad, I want to kick something small and furry!

Number 1: How Green Was My Valley (1941)

Remember this one? I didn’t think so. This movie’s number one claim to fame is that it is a terrible bore and that it beat ‘Citizen Kane.’ In the most classic blunder in Academy history, they award the movie about coal miners going on strike and leave out AFI’s number one film of all time (Personally I don’t think ‘Citizen Kane’ should be number 1, but hey, who am I to judge?). Also nominated the same year was ‘The Maltese Falcon’ and ‘Sergeant York.’ Yesterday I asked a random group of people if they had heard of ‘How Green Was My Valley.’ I received an almost unanimous “what now?” And then I asked them if they had heard of Citizen Kane, and then came a resounding “of course!”

I rest my case.

Now I want to state clearly that there are plenty of good best picture winners (The Godfather, The Departed, Slumdog Millionaire, The French Connection, The Deer Hunter etc.) and I promise I will write a positive review one of these days. Until then, tah.

- Greg

Name: Greg Wilson

DOB: October 4, 1989

Favourite Directors: Stanley Kubrick, Martin Scorsese, Paul Thomas Anderson, Christopher Nolan, David Fincher, Quentin Tarantino, Sergio Leone, Michael Mann

Favourite Writers: David Mamet, Charlie Kaufman, Judd Apatow, Quentin Tarantino

Favourite Actors: Daniel Day-Lewis, Kate Winslet, Sam Rockwell, Alec Baldwin, Paul Rudd, Brad Pitt, Neil Patrick Harris, Al Pacino, Uma Thurman

Some Favourite Movies: The Good the Bad and the Ugly, Heat, The Dark Knight, Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, The Empire Strikes Back, Dr. Strangelove, The Godfather 1-2, Lord of the Rings, The Departed, There Will Be Blood, Eyes Wide Shut, Liar Liar, Apocalypse Now, Superbad, The Emperor’s New Groove, Magnolia, The Aviator, The Killer

A Little Background Info: I am a drama major at the University of Lethbridge. I love acting, writing and directing. In my spare time I make internet sketches with my good friends. Movies are my passion. And I don’t drink Vex coolers anymore.

Hi everyone! I’m Greg. If you don’t know me here’s a little bit about myself: I love movies, but every so often a film comes along that makes my blood boil, and I feel compelled to write my thoughts. So for my first review I’d like to offer my “insight” on the movie Twilight, in honour of the newest instalment in the series being only a few weeks away:

TWILIGHT

Rating: 0/5

Directed By: Catherine Hardwicke

Writer: Melissa Rosenberg (Screenplay), Stephanie Meyer (Novel)

Starring: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart

I want to begin by saying that I did not like this film, stop reading if you’re one of the many people out there who loved it and want nothing more than to curl up and snuggle in Edward’s deathly cold arms. This review may offend you.

I admit this movie is intriguing, I enjoy a good forbidden love story as much as the next person (‘The Princess Bride’ anyone?), but after about the first 30 minutes you’ll realize that this basic plot has been done before and much better. An example that immediately comes to mind is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Twilight is one of the only movies I’ve suffered through in theatres in which I thought walking out halfway through would be the best idea ever (another was Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, but more on that later).

The actors are as good as Keanu Reeves in ‘The Matrix Revolutions’… Which is the same as saying that a brick would be just as good. This was one of the most disappointing aspects of the flick beause I’ve seen the two leads in other movies and they are so much better than the artificial script they’re working from. Case in point: Kristen Stewart in ‘Adventureland.’ She’s wonderful in that one.

I can’t seem to think of a good performance from Robert Pattinson…I’ll just go with ‘The Goblet of Fire’

The script itself seems like it was churned out by a couple of the writers of One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl while they were smoking weed in their producer’s basement. I guess one can’t exactly expect a ‘Memento’ calibre script when the source material is what it is. And yes I’ve read every single book in the Twilight Saga, and I have come to the conclusion that Stephanie Meyer is good at writing material that gets you hooked, but that’s about it.

Now let’s review, for a moment, Kristen Stewart’s character, Bella. Arguably the worst female heroine ever written. She is a helpless little princess without her “Edward” and everything she says is so annoying like: “I don’t want to live without you.” All she does is spout romantic cliche after cliche until I realize that if I listen to her anymore I will run head first into the television screen and achieve the eternal peace I’ve always wished for.

Twilight is obviously a sort of preamble to a much bigger story that will be told in the future instalments, but does it really need to take so long for anything to happen? Think about it: In the movie, about 30 minutes goes by in which the two attractive leads eye fuck the shit out of each other. Then a bad vampire comes and breaks Bella’s leg. Boo-hoo, whaaa. Move on.

Just to emphasize how bad the writing and acting is in this movie, I have paraphrased the scene after the bad vampire meets his demise. I personally think it’s better than anything in the movie because at least it’s honest. And it goes something like this:

BELLA (crying, cause she’s a whiny bitch)

EDWARD (Staring intensely because the director doesn’t know how to tell him to do anything else, and knows all the naive little girls will simply be blown away by his sheer sexiness)

BELLA: Please don’t leave me (whimper)

EDWARD: I must, you aren’t safe around me

BELLA: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

EDWARD: Ok. I’ll stay

BELLA: And will you make me into a vampire too?

EDWARD: I can’t. It’s too painful

BELLA: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

EDWARD: Ok, but not until you graduate.

BELLA: Oh I love you Edward

EDWARD: I love you too

INTENSE EYE FUCKING

The effects spent on making the character of Edward look like a vampire must have cost somewhere between 10 and 40 dollars. Tops. The guy doesn’t even have FANGS for gods sake. He doesn’t hide his fangs like ‘True Blood’ vampires, they just aren’t there! Oh and when he steps out into the sun to reveal himself to Bella, it looks like an assistant from makeup ran up to actor Robert Pattinson (who plays Edward, if that wasn’t clear) and simply threw a handful of glitter at his face. He looks like he just fucked Tinker-Bell.

I tried to think of something I liked about this movie after I got the bad taste of it out of my mouth. And I came up with one thing: The smooth transition from the sparse mountains in Arizona to the rainy Mountains in Washington state. That’s it.

So save yourself some pain. When you’re in the movie store holding that copy of Twilight in your hand, thinking to yourself, “Hm, maybe I should watch this.” Just put it back onto the shelf, go over to the action section where real movies dwell and grab yourself a copy of The Dark Knight. Then calmly go over to the check out and ask to speak to the store manager, when he/she gets over to you, punch him/her right in the face and proclaim: TWILIGHT SUCKS. Then pay for your movie and leave.

P.S. Don’t actually do that, you could get in trouble. But you get my point. It’s not a good movie

- Greg

Year One

Director: Harold Ramis

Writer: Harold Ramis, Gene Stupnitsky, Lee Eisenberg

Starring: Jack Black, Michael Cera, David Cross, Juno Temple, June Raphael

Rating: 0.5/5

It’s been a long time since I’ve found myself laughing uncontrollably from a movie, and the more comedies spewed out by the money grubbing studios the more I lose interest in the genre. I remember a time when I would get excited about comedies, and lately I mostly get upset. Here we have Year One, a ‘buddy comedy’ set in, well, Year One. Jack Black and Michael Cera play the same characters they’ve always played with longer hair and embark on a road trip/adventure/self discovery quest when they are exiled from their tribe. That’s…pretty much the gist of the story. The rest of the movie is filled with anachronisms, allegories, and alliterations (see what I did there) that ultimately just create a jumbled mess of a movie with nothing redeemable about it.

I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out what Harold Ramis was trying to accomplish with this film. I mean, he’s put out some legitimately good comedies in the past (Groundhog Day and Ghostbusters; the latter he did not direct but co-wrote), and you’d think he’d understand that this kind of movie doesn’t work. I mean, it’s set in Year One, okay, sure. But already from the get-go you’re taking it out of the realm of reality. That’s fine, there are plenty of absurdist comedies that succeed brilliantly. But the difference here is everyone acts like this is modern times. I understand you couldn’t have them just grunting the whole time, but the things they talk about and reference are so obviously winks to the audience that it makes it less funny.

There are so many talented people in this movie that are completely wasted. Hank Azaria ranting and raving about circumcision and Oliver Platt rubbing oil all over himself become annoying rather than funny. They took these biblical characters and made them caricatures to make them ‘funny’ but it’s so stale and overdone that there’s no point to it. In addition, Jack Black and Michael Cera seem to be just phoning this in and bring nothing new to the table. They are both funny. But they aren’t playing characters anymore, they’re playing ‘Jack Black the Zany Actor’ and ‘Michael Cera the Awkward Teen’ caveman edition. Because of that you can’t feel for these characters at all, and I don’t care if it’s a comedy damnit, I want some goddamn pathos.

Not only that, but everyone knows that in every comedy there HAS to be a romance subplot. Because that’s what the people want to see! Right? Well, no. It’s fine to have a romance subplot in any film, but you can’t just tack it on top of the whole story to give some kind of denouement to the characters. This movie has the most unbelievable and unlikely romance story in any film I’ve ever seen. Both Zed (Black) and Oh (Cera) are smitten with Maya and Eema, respectively. Throughout the whole movie, both women show absolutely no interest in these bumbling fools (except perhaps a brief scene at the beginning where Maya seems to find Zed charming), until the end of the film when both seem to do a complete 180 and fall in love with them. This does happen in other films, I suppose, but there is usually some kind of progression or some turning point where someone realizes they have feelings for the hero, or something to that effect. This movie just tacks it on in the end to give Michael Cera an awkward love making scene.

Which reminds me, this movie basically seems to be Prehistoric Superbad. Not only is there the aforementioned scene, but the Cera/goofy chubby guy combo is the main draw, and the pursuit of romance is their motivation. On top of that, Christopher Mintz-Plasse (who played the doomed to be popular but hated ‘McLovin’) shows up at one point and joins the duo for a while. As I watched the three of them converse I couldn’t believe how similar this was to Superbad, but unfortunately, as I stated earlier, Superbad was based in reality. Which I think is ultimately the reason it didn’t work. It’s the (pre-Kung Fu Panda) Dreamworks syndrome: Taking a fantastical story/idea and trying to base it in OUR reality. Shark Tale had underwater cities, the fish acted like people. Compared to Finding Nemo where the coral reefs and realistic elements of the sea were adapted to BE city-like.

The same thing happens here. They take a fantastical plot and put very modern and realistic characters/ideas into it. It becomes a gimmick rather than an enjoyable story. And in the end, the story matters.

- Alan

A shot you'll grow to loathe

Movie Review – Paranormal Activity (2007)

Director: Oren Peli

Writer: Oren Peli

Starring: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat

Rating: 4/5

Paranormal Activity was released to festivals in 2007 to much critical and audience acclaim, and was only recently picked up by Paramount Pictures and released nationwide to pretty outstanding box office success. Made for $11,000, and sure to gross like mad, it is being toted as the next Blair Witch Project, which happens to be one of my favorite horror films. I loved a lot of things about Paranormal Activity, but can’t honestly say it would make my top 10 or even 20 in the genre.

The story follows Micah and Katie, a dating couple who have recently moved in together in a new housing development in middle America. Their life seems perfectly idyllic, save for the curse on Katie that is only eluded to at various points in the film. As a child, she experienced “hauntings” in every house she moved into, mostly including a black mist at the end of her bed, and a whispering in her ear. Now that Katie and Micah have moved into their new place, and the strange noises and occurrences have followed them, Micah has decided to document their findings with a fancy pants camera, and hours of footage of them sleeping. Creepiness abounds.

I’m surprised that this movie wasn’t made earlier. In the wake of such “real ghost story” movies as A Haunting in Connecticut, and An American Haunting, it’s due time that there is a movie that attempts real scares with no cheesy CG effects and unfair violin screeches. And what I appreciate most about this film is that they seem to understand that audiences aren’t foolish. They make an obligatory claim in the beginning that the footage is real, but their website and IMDB page acknowledge that the film was shot with actors, on a set, and with a script.

The writing in the film is believable. That said, some of the moments verge on predictably cheesy. The flaw is that the movie attempts to be ultra-realistic, but then is based in a world that is fundamentally not real. Now I’m not here to argue the existence of ghosts or demons, but there is a challenge in writing casual dialogue about psychics and the supernatural. I’m a cynic, I’ll acknowledge that, but this is what I found continually distanced me from the world of the film. I couldn’t be wrapped up in the fear, because at several points the actors performances noticeably weaken. These are the points when they are talking about the ghost directly, and the dialogue comes across as silly.

The acting is wonderful.  Both Katie and Micah (their real names, of course), are able to act and react so casually to each other and their surroundings, and believably descend into paranoia as the events of the movie progress. As I mentioned earlier, the weakest moments in the film are conversations with a psychic, or about a Ouija board. The expository elements in the first ten minutes of the movie are great, but once this science-fiction element is introduced, it becomes a nearly impossible feat to play with utter naturalism.

The scares in the movie are plentiful, but sparse enough to not be irritating. What kills me in a horror movie are cheap scares, and while there are a few “jumpy” moments, they are few and far between, and fun enough to not make me hate the producers. I do think the movie would have benefitted from fewer light-handed moments. The scariest parts of the film are the striking visuals; things like Katie being discovered in the dark in various parts of the house after sleep walking, or watching Micah sleep from the end of the bed. Once the realistic world of this home movie are set up, the director should feel free to really get the audience going with big scares, which can still be pulled off with a subtlety. I kept waiting for the couple to go downstairs and discover their furniture stacked, or the TV upside down, or a mirror shattered. Instead, we’re treated to a few too many slight door movements, or a knock downstairs.

BREAKDOWN

MAKE – What makes the movie is its innovation. It’s bizarre to me that there is no film like this, because I feel like I’ve had this idea before. Its concept is fresh and scary, and it is produced with a novel éclat that makes the audience’s journey fulfilling and worthwhile.

BREAK – What could break the movie is the pacing. There are too many of the same bedroom shot, which while I appreciate as far as getting the audience scared of one location, and then returning often to it, it becomes a bit tiresome and predictable. There are only so many times we can see a door slam before it loses its effect. What would have helped is a quicker descent towards the true scares. That said, my other problem with the film was the believability that they would stay in the house as long as they do, and keep filming it. Once I heard whispering, I’d be out of there.

BOTTOM LINE – See the movie now, because whether you want to or not, someone is going to make you watch it one day. It’s truly scary, and I really appreciate the writing and acting. I’m a firm believer in reality, but I do love when a movie bends this reality towards something more supernatural. A movie like The Blair Witch Project is infinitely scarier to me than The Amityville Horror.