So, I’m basically ripping off Alan’s template for this, because it’s awesome.
Here we go!

 The 10 Worst Films of the Year 

“You don’t suppose he got exposed to radiation, do you?”

10. DREAMCATCHER
Stephen King sold the rights for this movie for $1.00. One would maybe take that as a clue…
Essentially a decent cast (Morgan Freeman, Jason Lee, Timothy Olyphant, Damian Lewis & Tom “Homeless Dad” Jane) doesn’t make up for this sad excuse of a movie. While it’s not the worst King adaptation, it’s sure as hell no Shawshank Redemption. I’m fairly certain my only basis for seeing this was due to my undying love for Jason Lee after seeing Almost Famous a few years before. The movie is filled with points where I didn’t know if I should be laughing or be completely repulsed. (Mostly by Timothy Olyphant’s overacting.) I have no idea how or why Dreamcatcher garnered a small cult type following. These fans should be subjected to being eaten alive by Cujo.

“I prowl the rooftops and alleyways at night, watching from the darkness. Forever in darkness.”

9. DAREDEVIL
Poor Matt Murdock. Poor unsuspecting movie-goer. With all honesty, I don’t hate Ben Affleck like the rest of the world. I think he’s capable of doing great work (ie: Good Will Hunting, Chasing Amy & Gone Baby Gone), with the exception of some select movies (ie: Forces of Nature, Bounce & Paycheck). Comic book adaptations are really hit or miss. When done well, (Spider-man 2, Iron Man, V for Vendetta) comic book movies please the already existing fans and attract a whole new audience. When done poorly (Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider) everyone on the planet will hate it. Daredevil unfortunately fits into the latter category. It was painful to watch Ben Affleckplayblind. A blind criminal attorney/superhero (or zero?) for that matter. Adding to the awfulness is a bald and hammy Colin and Jennifer Garner, who basically tries to pout her way through the movie. It also doesn’t help it was directed by the guy whose previous endeavour was Simon Birch.

“Why be an angel when I can play God?”

8. CHARLIE’S ANGELS : FULL THROTTLE
I won’t lie…I saw this movie in theatres…twice. And from what I can remember, it was within days of eachother. Shame aside, I tried to figure out what made me enjoy this movie 5 years ago. Was it the Nickelback/Kid Rock laced soundtrack? Was it the stunning direction of McG? Or was it the presence of cougar-extraordinaire Demi Moore? Probably all of the above. Catching bits and pieces on TV now almost make me sick. Dressing Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu in slutty outfits while spouting off cliche ridden dialogue doesn’t give you a hit. Now the casting of Justin Theroux as the token Irishman Seamus O’Grady just might…
GIRL POWER!

“I found their weakness. They’re powerless without their heads!”

7. SCARY MOVIE 3
I think the Wayans’ should be arrested for crimes against humanity. From the ten minutes I witnessed of this atrocity, there must have been a dozen penis, fart and gay jokes. Jokes that weren’t funny. And they parody movies that have no business being brought back to our attention. Here we’re subjected to rehashed crap from The Ring, 8 Mile and Signs. If it weren’t for the 1.5 million frat asses going to these movies, the Wayans’ would be blowing truckers at rest stops for change.

“Today we need some organization and planned activities.”

6. DADDY DAY CARE
I have much admiration for Steve Zahn and Jeff Garlin…but I do not have any for Eddie Murphy or this movie. Premise as follows; Lame-wad Eddie Murphy and his pal lose their jobs (GOOD!) so they get the brilliant idea of becoming stay-at-home-dads. Soon they take on a bunch of annoying, snot-nosed kids, opening “Daddy Day Care.” It’s not funny, it’s not sentimental and it definitely has no merit for a sequel. Oh wait…thanks Cuba Gooding Jr. and Fred Savage…jerks.

“How could you think I’m gay? “ 

5. BOAT TRIP
Looky here, another mention of Cuba Gooding Jr. in a shitty movie. This man has an ACADEMY AWARD. And for what? One of the most overused catchphrases in pop culture history. This movie was so bad it was filmed in 2001 and didn’t get a distributor until 2003. I wonder why…
Jerry and Nick are in a slump so they decide a vacation is in order. Little do they know their maniacal travel agent booked them seats on a GAY CRUISE! (Audible gasp!) Tonnes of gay jokes follow that fall completely flat along with everything else in this movie. My dad has a history of renting horrid movies (Soul Plane) and this is certainly no exception. Somewhere out there, William H. Macy is bawling his eyes out over losing an Oscar to the douche in Boat Trip…oh…and Chill Factor.

“I just got my ass kicked by a marsupial.”

4. KANGAROO JACK
I think Greyhound has a clause to play the worst movies while travelling long distances. (One exception being a heavily edited Dodgeball.) Scatterbrained is a way to describe my thought process when I packed CD’s and disc-man for a trip to Edmonton with no batteries.
Here in lies my dilemma…listen to the couple beside me arguing, stare at the gum on the seat in front of me or plug my headphones into the TV and watch whatever they’re showing. I wish I would have stared at the gum. I suddenly found myself watching Jerry O’Connell and Anthony Anderson (who might I remind you was once convicted of rape) chase a mischievous kangaroo around Australia.
When Charlie and Louis are sent to the Outback to deliver mob money (?) – they see it wise to outfit a stray kangaroo with a jacket. When the lil’ scamp hops off (and doesn’t pounce the shit out of them as nature suggests) the pair realize the mob’s money was in the pockets of the jacket. Don’t buy a damn suitcase or anything! And soon Christopher Walken and Estella Warren add to the HILARITY of chasing this unruly creature. Walken has stated in interview that he never turns down scripts because ‘a good or bad experience is still an experience.’ I respect the ol’ coot’s integrity, but I do not respect Kangaroo Jack. He’s a smarmy dick, is what he is.

“I’m from Texas, I’ve seen bigger.”

3. FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
I don’t sleep well…ever. My viewing of this “Grease on the beach” can attest to this. Thanks for genetics and MuchMoreMusic programming. With this prize, Kelly Clarkson and walking punchline Justin Guarini were contractually obligated to appear in this due to their commitment to American Idol. (Boo hoo.)
Anyhow, Kelly and Justin are both students who travel to Miami for Spring Break. (Woo! Spring Break!) Kelly is alone on the beach one evening, when suddenly her eyes meet the gaze of the ever pervy-looking Justin Guarini. Love at first sight! But oh no! Kelly loses Justin’s phone number, so the pair (along with a hundred scantily clad extras) must sing, dance and frolic (poorly) their way back to eachother before it’s too late! 

“Without my hat, I’m just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.”

2. THE CAT IN THE HAT
A staple  of my childhood, only to be ruined by Mike Myers. We all know the story – Conrad & Sally are trapped inside bored and alone due to the rain. That is, until the Cat in the Hat walks in and creates a wave of chaos. Enter awful, awful dialogue and wacky hi-jinks. After causing the house to explode, the Cat in the Hat admits he planned on being a huge douche the entire day strictly out of his own boredom. Tail between his legs, the Cat brings in his trusty machines cleaning the house moments before their mother arrives. Enter Kelly Preston as Mom & added character Quinn played by Alec Baldwin. (Before his head starting bloating.)
This movie viewing was due to another late night no-sleep-a-thon a few months ago. Why this was on at 2 o’clock in the morning on ABC, I’ll never know. What I do know is that Mike Myers was certainly banking on his Austin Powers popularity into making this movie a hit. I know it’s supposed to be for kids, but I’m pretty sure every kid hated this movie.
Director Bo Welch forces Dakota Fanning & Spencer Breslin (Abigail’s less talented brother) to act WAY beyond the level of precociousness needed. Admittedly, I enjoyed Emmanuel Lukezki’s cinematography. (He’s also done great work on Children of Men & Sleepy Hollow.) The look/feel of this movie is colorful, quirky and stunning to look at. Unfortunately that’s the only good thing about it, well, besides the ending.  Voice ‘talents’ also include Dan Castellaneta and Sean Hayes, along with a cameo by Paris Hilton. (God, she’s so multi-talented.)
If your life is on the life or even facing a fine -
please don’t view this & cross that line.
Unless, that is if you drink an entire case of wine.
(You’re welcome for that.)

“I thought you wanted to be my bitch.”

1. GIGLI
How could it not be?
This was the “so-bad-I-have-to-rent-it” movie and it did not disappoint. What should have taken about 2 hours, took me almost 4 hours to get through. (With the occasional stop to refuel on black tar heroin)
Alright – so Affleck plays Gigli the shitty hitman. Lopez plays the lipstick lesbian assassin named Ricki. (How butch!) They’re both on the job to “take care of” a district attorney’s handi-capped brother. Al Pacino (!) plays Starkman, a mob boss with an attitude and (surprise!) Christopher Walken plays the detective on the pursuit! HILARITY & HI-JINKS ENSUE! Gigli eventually breaks free-spirited Ricki’s lesbian barrier, turning her into a full fledged heterosexual!
While Ben Affleck eventually bounced back with Gone Baby Gone, J.Lo plunked out Monster-In-Law and married Skeletor.
“Affleck, you da bomb in Phantoms, yo!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Cradle 2 the Grave / I didn’t see this movie, but judging by the cast of DMX & Jet Li, I can only assume it was awful.

Hollywood Homicide / Another movie I sat through in theatres. Poor, poor Harrison Ford. What a piece of garbage.

Gothika /Halle Berry should have her Oscar revoked. Although this movie was bad, I could never be cross with my love Robert Downey Jr.

Radio /A handi-capped Cuba Gooding Jr. Somehow, I don’t really think it’s a stretch for him.

Cheers!

-Jen