The 10 Worst Films of the Year

“Who’s scamming who?!”

10. The Big Bounce

I saw this movie in theatres when I was visiting a friend in Edmonton. We wanted to see a movie but there wasn’t really anything we were psyched about seeing. We chose this without knowing a thing about it, and man did I regret it afterward. It’s your usual ‘crime comedy heist movie’ that just…doesn’t work. It’s boring and uninteresting and the plot is everywhere. Honestly, trying to remember too much about it is difficult because it was that insignificant, I just remember hating it a lot. A huge waste of some very talented people.

“Behind every little fish is a great white lie!”

9. Shark Tale

I have pretty much hated every single Dreamworks animated feature I’ve seen. This one is usually the one I bring up most often when discussing why I do. The problem I have with these kind of movies is the fact that they focus on getting big names to do the voices for the characters, and then model the characters after the actors. For example, the main fish in this movie, voiced by Will Smith, has Will Smith ears. And a Will Smith face. I find this notion ridiculous, because they aren’t creating a character, they are just making a Will Smith fish. The reason I love animation so much is because it’s practically limitless. You can create whatever you want with an animated film, and to design a character on the actor is ludicrous. You should create a character first, and find the proper talent to voice it, and there are SO many talented Voice Actors out there who deserve the work.

I could say a lot more about this, but maybe I’ll save it for a full blown essay.

“White meat only!”

8. White Chicks

The Wayan’s should not make comedy movies. They are ridiculous. This is no exception. They take a really silly concept and make it a movie, and then just pad it with jokes. It’s lame. Stop it.

“He’s out to prove he’s got nothing to prove!”

7. Napoleon Dynamite

When I first saw this movie, it was well before the ‘ND’ craze hit. In other words, I saw it before I was told by every single person in the world that it was hilarious. So I had no expectations. And yet, I still found it pretty lame. It had some alright moments, and some parts were funny at first, but the character wasn’t very endearing in my mind. Of course the craze hit and everyone started doing quotes and impersonations and it became even more ridiculous. I still think the dance scene is pretty great. But that’s it.

“And you thought your parents were embarrassing!”

6. Meet the Fockers

Sequels are usually bad. The reason? They aren’t planned. When you make a movie you don’t know if it will be a hit or not, and therefore you aren’t planning to continue the ’story’ as it were. But if it makes a ton of money, the sequel gets made, in order to cash in. But most of the time, the sequel has so many jokes and references to the original film that it becomes one two hour long elbow nudge. It just panders to the fans of the first movie, and suffers in originality and enjoyment because of it. This movie was one of the biggest offenders of this fact, in my opinion, and Ben Stiller has become less endearing and more annoying by this point. Dustin Hoffman is the saving grace of this picture, but even he couldn’t save this boring, ill-conceived sequel.

“Get ready for frisky business!”

5. Garfield

I heard somewhere that Bill Murray did not want to do this movie, but was contractually obligated to do so. This may be false, but either way it sure felt like he was phoning it in and didn’t have his heart in it. I remember the trailer for this film had Garfield dancing for a while, and that was it. The movie wasn’t much better than that. I wasn’t really a fan of Garfield in the first place, but at least the cartoon had some heart.

“It’s for the neighbor with everything!”

4. Envy

Wow was this a disappointment for me. I love Jack Black, and enjoyed Ben Stiller at this time, and this movie was just so, so terrible. I can’t even describe it really. The whole concept is pretty ridiculous in itself, but the execution is just so horribly done, and with such talented people at their disposal. One of the biggest letdowns for me at the time.

“Meow!“

3. Catwoman

I shouldn’t even have to explain this one. Just…no.

“Just so we’re clear, I’d like a more corporate bling!”

2. New York Minute

Ok, the reason I even watched this was because I was working at the movie rental store at the time and I got free rentals. So I started renting EVERY new release (since we could only rent them before the release date, or one month after) to be ‘more informed’ when talking to customers about the new releases. So I knew this was going to be ridiculous going into it. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to call them out on it. Shame on you Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Shame.

“Once upon another time!“

1. Shrek 2

Aside from that adorable picture, this movie was stupid. I hate all the Shrek movies, in case you haven’t noticed yet. They are terrible fairy tale ‘parodies’ that market towards kids but include many adult jokes. I hate this trend in kids movies, as if parents need a reason to watch these films with their kids. They think they need oral sex jokes and fake swearing to enjoy them. If your child is delighted by a movie then you should be happy. It’s as simple as that. Pixar has proven time and time again that if you make a movie for kids but accessible to adults you’ll make a much better film. Also this continues the whole Dreamworks trend of casting famous people and then creating the characters. Donkey looks like Eddie Murphy. It’s stupid.

Puss and Donkey y’all. (stands on an elevating stage with a mic)

- Donkey

Not Bad, But Not Good

Garden State: Too much emphasis on being quirky and fun, and not enough attention paid to the story. A great first attempt by Zach Braff, but overall fell short for me. ‘Good luck exploring the infinite abyss,’ indeed.

Cellular: It’s actually pretty funny. Unfortunately the ridiculousness overruled the hilariousness.

National Treasure: Nice try, Nicholas Cage. But you’re no Indiana Jones.

Ocean’s Twelve: Another case of sequel-itis. A disease I just invented for terrible unplanned sequels.

The Punisher: The opening scene is actually really good. But the rest of it sucks. Tom Jane just wants his kids back.

The Whole Ten Yards: Sequel-itis. Matthew Perry does something wacky. Bruce Willis is silly but bad-ass. That’s it.